


Unexpressed Emotions

by TheNightingaleLily



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Past Johnny/V, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:42:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29412840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNightingaleLily/pseuds/TheNightingaleLily
Summary: Tess is an absolute wreck after Mikoshi. She's lost a part of her mind, her soul, that just so happens to also be the man she loves. She isn't looking for support, she isn't looking for friendship, only relief and release.And then Kerry comes along.
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/V, Kerry Eurodyne & Female V, Kerry Eurodyne/Female V, Kerry Eurodyne/V
Comments: 27
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: The first chapter contains references to suicide and suicidal thoughts. The first three chapters also contain heavy themes of alcohol abuse and alcohol withdrawal. Please read the tags and if these are things that bother you, please do not read.
> 
> Note: I did away with the whole "V is still dying" thing cause it's bullshit and it makes me life easier.

_Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways._

* * *

She only took the toughest jobs now. The ones no one else would take. The ones everyone deemed ‘suicide missions’.

Anyone that asked her why got the answer that well, the jobs had to be done by _someone,_ who better to do them than the most renowned merc in Night City?

But fuck, that was complete horseshit. No, the real reason was that the man she loved was gone, by her own hand, and the sheer emotional pain she lived with every day made her hope that one of the ‘suicide missions’ would be true to its name.

She could just put a bullet in her brain, sure, but by some fucked up logic that wasn’t good enough. If she was gonna die, she wanted to go out fighting.

Tess slammed her glass on the bar, maybe a bit harder than she intended. “Claire! ‘nother one,” she slurred.

“No. I’m cutting you off, V.”

“I said,” Tess said, her voice a deep growl. “Gimme. Another.”

“V!” Rogue boomed from her private booth. Every conversation in the club came to a halt as the queen strode to the bar, her every step somehow both calm and furious. “That’s it, I’m done. You wanna drink yourself to death after every job, fine, none of my business. But if you’re gonna harass my bartenders, get the fuck out.”

Tess stood up from her stool and moved in closer to Rogue’s face than any sane person would. “Throw me out yourself,” she spat.

Rogue laughed, a single, barking laugh that almost sounded surprised. “You want to start a _fight_ with me, kid? I want you to think _real_ hard, _is that what you want?”_

Tess didn’t budge.

“Well”—Rogue chuckled—”I’m not in the habit of giving people what they want. Emmerick, toss her out. She’s barred until she gets her head screwed on.”

Even through the ocean of booze, Tess knew there was no point in trying to fight Emmerick as he towered behind her, so she went quietly. Seething, but quiet. She’d only just started the process of trying to remember which pocket her phone was in when she heard just about the last voice she wanted to hear.

“You look like shit, V.”

“Fuck off, Kerry,” she shouted, raising a lazy middle finger.

“Ain’t happening, you know that. Get in the car, I’ll get us dinner, you can crash at my place.”

Tess glared at him for a moment. Dinner did sound good, and she’d do just about anything to stay away from their... _her_ apartment. 

“Fine, but only if I can have the bed,” she muttered, and stumbled over to the car. Kerry met her halfway to give her a supportive arm.

Kerry grinned. “Lucky for you, I have a guest bedroom that _isn’t_ out in the open surrounded by windows. Thinkin’ you might prefer that.”

Once she was in the car, it took just about every ounce of Tess’s willpower to not cover Kerry’s dashboard in vomit, and she considered it a minor success that they arrived at the mansion without a single retch.

“So,” Kerry said, as he sat down on the couch and handed Tess the cheapest, greasiest burger he could get delivered. “You’ve been avoiding me. Think I know why.”

“Good, then there’s no point _talkin’ about it.”_

“How about just _talking?_ About anything. Your cat. Your work.”

“Gave the cat away. Work’s work.”

“Of course you gave the cat away.” Kerry sighed, and the raw exasperation just about made Tess stand up and leave on the spot. “Look I’m not gonna therapize you, I just want you to know I—”

“If you say you’re worried about me I’m gonna leave.”

Kerry scrubbed his hands down his face. “I _miss you,_ you dumbass.”

“What do you want me to do? Invite you over for beers and a movie? Pretend I’m enjoying myself? In the apartment I can’t even stand to be in? Or do you wanna join me when I drink myself numb after every gig so I don’t take as much notice of how _empty_ I feel??” It wasn’t until after she’d finished that V realized she was not only shouting, but crying. And once the crying started, it could not be stopped.

“C’mere, V,” Kerry whispered as he brought her into his arms, “come here.”

This wasn’t the first time Tess had cried since she said goodbye to Johnny. Oh, not anywhere close, but all those times she’d been numb, like her subconscious knew there was something to cry about, but couldn’t grasp exactly what it was. But not his time. This time everything she’d tried so desperately to drown out with alcohol and combat, it all hit her like a bullet to the chest and she broke down. She held on to Kerry for dear life and she screamed and she wept and she…

She grieved.

“Kerry,” Tess mumbled, long after she’d drained every ounce of emotion from her body. She was so physically and emotionally exhausted that when Kerry offered to carry her to bed, she didn’t even try to say no. 

“Yeah, V?”

“Sorry. F’r avoiding you.”

Kerry sat on the bed with a sigh, gentle and understanding, and patted Tess’s arm. “It’s alright, kid. I get it. Hell, I’ve been there. And uh…” He paused for a moment, looking to be mulling something over. “Well if you ever don’t wanna go back to your place, you’re always welcome here. Not like I ever have guests over to use this room, anyway.”

“Notta bad idea…” The words barely made it out of her mouth fully formed, and Kerry took that as his cue to leave.

“G’night, V.”

“Mn...”


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m home,” Tess shouted into the void that was Kerry’s villa.

“Usual spot,” Kerry shouted back.

Tess wandered over to the lounge, walking mostly in a straight line. For the first time in weeks, she wasn’t entering the villa completely wasted. Not exactly sober, but...close enough.

Kerry was indeed in his usual spot, strumming away at the guitar that might as well have been glued to his hands. He looked up when she entered and greeted her with that energetic grin. “Hello dear, how was work?” he asked, his tone all exaggerated sweetness.

Tess flopped into the couch across him, arms and legs spread wide. “Nice and exhausting. But check what I found.” She tossed a screamsheet and it landed on the table between them with a  _ smack. _ The cover read, in bright red lettering, “Kerry’s New OUTPUT??? Renowned Merc Seen Leaving Eurodyne Villa” over several photos of Tess outside the house.

Kerry snorted a bitter laugh. “And theeere it is. I was wondering what took them so long.”

“If the asswipes come after me I’m shooting.”

“Might need to kill a few before they stop,” Kerry groaned. “They’re ruthless, it’s like someone is gonna eat their kids if they don’t get enough pics.”

“Wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case.” Tess sighed and tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling. “Whatcha playin’? I don’t recognize that one, it new?”

“Nah. Old demo. Never released it, but thinkin’ I might. Was one of the first songs I wrote after—uh, when I went solo.”

“It’s fine, Kerry, I’m not gonna burst into tears if you say ‘Samurai’.” She chuckled. “That only happens when it comes on the radio. Can you imagine having an emotional breakdown on Jig Jig Street cause the dildo shop is playing Chippin’ In? Cause I can.”

Tess glanced over to Kerry, who was very obviously trying to suppress a laugh. “You can laugh,” she assured him.

“Fuckin’  _ hell _ , V,” he chuckled, “that’s…”

“Pathetic, I know.”

The chuckles died down pretty quickly, replaced by somber silence broken only by Kerry’s strumming. V closed her eyes and listened. For a brief moment she allowed herself to imagine it was Johnny sitting across from her, playing some unfamiliar song, but that quickly proved too painful and she purged the thought. But not before it poked a hole in her mental barrier.

She groaned and laboriously pulled herself from the couch. “You want a drink?”

“No,” Kerry answered, his brow knit. “No, I’m good, but V maybe you sho—”

“We talked about this, choom,” Tess shouted. She was already halfway up the stairs and not about to let his protests stop her. She knew damn well she shouldn’t drink, and yet.

“Yeah well, maybe we should have talked more.” Kerry had ditched his guitar and was right on her heels. “Cause I’m not havin’ fun watching you drink yourself to dea—”

“Well this isn’t about you,” Tess shrugged, as she poured herself a generous glass of tequila, praying that if she kept her walls up he would realize this was pointless.

“You know Johnny wouldn’t wa—”

Okay, that was it, that was  _ low. _ Tess slammed the tequila bottle on the bar and whirled around to face her assailant. 

“Don’t you fucking dare tell me what Johnny would want,” she warned through gritted teeth, “don’t you  _ dare _ use him against me.”

“Oh I damn well will, cause it’s the truth and you  _ know _ it’s the truth.” Kerry was keeping his calm and it did nothing but make Tess more furious. “He fought to save your gonk ass, you really gonna make that meaningless?”

“It’s already meaningless!” Tess screamed. “Without him, everything is fucking meaningless!”

“V—”

“Oh don’t ‘V’ me. You don’t know shit, Kerry.” Tess grabbed the nearest full bottle of booze and stormed down the stairs and out the front door. No idea where she was going, she just chugged and walked until she couldn’t think.

~~~

“V? V! Wake up, kid.”

Vik? She walked all the way to Vik’s? Tess opened her eyes and no, not a dingy basement. A mansion. Vik was standing over her and of course, there was Kerry. V could tell he was keeping his distance, leaning against the wall farthest from her bed, but even from there she could see the worry wrought on his face.

“Fuck, did this asshole cal—” Tess’s stomach took her opening her mouth as a cue to empty its contents—right on Vik’s shoes. “Shi...sorry,” Tess groaned.

“It’s alright, kid, not the first time. And to answer your almost-question yes, Mr. Eurodyne did call me. Imagine my shock,” Vik sounded like he would be amused, under different circumstances. “He found you on death’s door.  _ Alcohol poisoning.” _

“Fuckin’ shoulda left me,” she muttered.

Vik let out a deep sigh, but it wasn’t frustrated or disappointed or annoyed. It was just...sad. “Mr. Eurodyne, can you give us a minute?”

“Sure thing,” Kerry nodded, and left the room.

“Alright, V.” Vik pulled the chair from the nearby desk and settled in next to Tess’s bed. “Now I’m not psychiatrist, but in my line of work you get damn good at dealing with all kinds of human emotions. So. This is about him, yeah?”

Tess didn’t respond. 

“Yeah, thought so. You lost a part of you and, if I’m reading the room right, someone you deeply cared about.”

Tess didn’t have the energy to protest. Or, maybe she just didn’t want to. There really was no point when it came to Vik, anyway. “So what, you gonna check me into a psych hospital? Doc’s orders?”

“What I’m gonna do, with your consent, is give you something to help you detox. It’ll suck, it’ll hurt, but it won’t be nearly as bad as doing it naturally. Then—again, with your consent—I’m gonna leave you in the care of our rockerboy out there. That is not a sentence I ever thought I’d say, but we had a long chat on it and my gut tells me he’s up for the job.”

“Tell me this, Vik. Why should I? This way of livin’ has served me perfectly well so far, why not keep it going?”

“Cause next time you end up blacked out in a ditch, you might not have someone looking for you.”

Tess laughed bitterly. “So what? Don’t got nothing to live for.”

“Well,” Vik sighed, “I’d say live for yourself, or the people who care about you, but I get the sense you’re not in a place to think about any of that. And if I’m not a therapist, then I’m REALLY not a netrunner, but...have you considered maybe there’s a way to  _ get him back?” _

Tess’s heart skipped a beat and a chill ran down her spine. She...no. She hadn’t. Somehow the thought had never, not once, occurred to her. 

Her hand jumped to the two chains hanging around her neck, the pendants hanging around them, tucked beneath her shirt. Johnny’s dog tags, the only reminder of him that she could bear to keep, and the bullet pendant. Why she still had the latter, she really didn’t know. Maybe it was a reminder too...

“Alright,” she said, her head suddenly clearer than it had been in two months, “hook me up.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: This chapter heavily features alcohol withdrawal and withdrawal-induced hallucinations.

“Now V...there’s one thing I need to warn you about,” Vik said, as he finished getting Tess’s IV pump connected. He’d given her a couple days to mentally prepare for the ordeal she was about to endure, and for Kerry to diligently clear every trace of alcohol from the premises.

“Meanin’ other than the pain, nausea, fever, insomnia?” she asked. “Not my first rodeo, Vik.”

“Did you have hallucinations during your other rodeos?”

The realization hit her like a truck. “Oh…”

“If you see him, V...I need you to remember, he’s not there. I’m sorry to say, that might be the hardest part of the process.”

“Yeah,” Tess breathed.

“I’ll be here if you need distractions,” Kerry assured, trying his best to look upbeat, “heh...I’ll try, anyway.” He met V with a weak smile—not at all convincing, but somehow it eased V’s worries, if only a little bit.

“Thanks, Ker.”

“Your IV’s good to go, everything’s automated over 24 hours and it’ll alert me if there’s any problems. Symptoms should start anywhere from two to seven hours from now.” Vik patted her arm and gave her a broad smile that this time, was entirely convincing. “Hope it treats you well, kid,” he nodded, and took his leave.

Tess laid back and locked her eyes on a single spot on the ceiling, and her and Kerry sat in silence for a while.

“I’m...I’m scared, Kerry…” Tess finally said. She was already so tired. The withdrawal hadn’t even started yet and she was so utterly  _ drained.  _

Kerry pushed off the wall against which he was leaning and took a seat on Tess’s bed. “I’m gonna guess”—he gave her hand a squeeze—”that it’s not the physical pain you’re worried about.”

“Nope…” Tess took in a long, deep breath through her nostrils, and released it through pursed lips, as slowly as she could. “First time I did this I was 16. Lost a friend to gangers and I spiralled  _ hard.  _ No doubt would’ve flatlined if my brother hadn’t smacked some sense into me.”

“Good man.”

“Oh, he wasn’t. You think  _ Johnny _ was a narcissistic piece of shit?  _ Nothing _ compared to Ven. I think I was the only thing he ever cared about, and I still have no idea why.” Tess let out a bitter laugh.  _ “Last _ time I went through this detox shit was after  _ he _ died. Seems like I don’t handle people dying all that well.”

“You and me both, kid. Wanna know what I did back in ‘23? After he took off for ‘saka Tower?”

“Guess so.”

“Well hell, so do I. Cause I don’t remember a damn thing from a good few weeks afterwards. The moment that chopper left the ground, I was staring through the bottom of a bottle and doin’ lines like nobody’s business. Last thing I remember is a call from Rogue a couple hours later, and that’s when I really went to shit.”

“Meanin’ to say my ‘grieving Johnny Silverhand mental breakdown’ isn’t as unhinged as it could be.”

“No drugs in your emotional breakdown is always a good thing in my book,” Kerry smiled. But it was a facsimile of his usually mirthful grin, tainted by a sorrow deeply rooted in his eyes.

~~~

It was 4am. Thirty two hours after her last drink. Tess had been trying to sleep for eight hours but her body was fighting her with everything it had. When the splitting headache subsided, the fever came. When that started to ease, it was met with nausea. Sometimes they came all at once and she wanted to claw her skin off of her body. Sometimes,  _ sometimes _ it all went away for a handful of blissful moments where she thought maybe, maybe she was allowed to sleep. Before it all came rushing back and she barely had the strength to pull herself over the edge of her bed to empty the meager contents of her stomach.

“V?” called Kerry’s groggy voice from outside her door. In a moment he was in the doorway in his robe and slippers, obviously having been woken by her retching. “Have you gotten any sleep?”

“Mm-mm…”

“You want a cold cloth?”

“Mhm…ice…”

“Ice cold cloth, on th—” The word was interrupted by a deep yawn, followed by Kerry violently shaking his head—shaking himself awake. “Fuck  _ me.  _ Ice cold cloth, on the way.”

“He just wants to get in your pants.”

Tess froze. Her entire body, her breathing, her heartbeat, came to a halt. In the darkness of the room, a figure leaned against the wall. She could pick out details if she looked—a strand of black, a glint of silver—but god, she didn’t want to look, she  _ didn’t want to look. _

“Kerry,” she tried to call, but it came as a whisper. “Kerry.” Louder this time, but still only a croak. 

“You can do it, big girl.”

She took a deep breath and cried, as loud as her frail voice could manage.  _ “Kerry!!” _

“V?? V, what’s wrong?” Kerry shouted in response, and almost immediately he was in her room, by her bed. “Wh—oh.” He must have recognized the terror on her face, the panic in her eyes.

“He…” was the only word she managed, in one painful shuddering breath.

“V,” Kerry said, his voice low and gentle. “He’s not here. Okay?”

“Fuckin’ hell, Kerry. ‘Course I’m here.”

“He’s talking to me,” Tess rasped.

“You think maybe  _ he’s _ the one that’s not here?”

“No, no, you’re here…” Tess clutched Kerry’s arm.  _ “You’re here, right?”  _ she whispered, as she felt her chest tighten and her heart begin to race.

Kerry placed his hands on Tess’s shoulders and squoze, firmly, doing his best to meet her frantic eyes. “I’m here. V, I’m right here. V. Look at me, V. Don’t listen to him.”

She tried to keep her eyes on Kerry, she tried so desperately not to look at...at the hallucination, but she couldn’t stop them flicking over to where the figure had stood, and...it was gone. Tess was overwhelmed with a momentary sense of relief, before she heard the voice again. His voice, so close to her ear. 

“V…”

Tess clapped her hands over her ears and her fingers curled, locked, fingernails digging into her scalp like teeth. “No, no, no, no,” she repeated endlessly, the words intertwined with violent gasps for breath as her muscles tensed and her body shook. She only vaguely registered Kerry’s arms wrapping around her, his voice whispering words that she couldn’t make out over the sounds of her own breaths, the roar of sensory overload, her own voice echoing in her head repeating, “no, no, no, no, no…”

And then all of a sudden, she felt nothing...but drowsiness…

“V,” Kerry said, his voice almost a whisper, almost frantic. “I just gave you a sedative. Vik said to use it if…” He sighed. “Basically, if this happened. You should be asleep in a minute.”

Tess took in the words this time, but barely understood them. Her head was filling with fog and her eyes wouldn’t stay open. “Ker…” she slurred. Her mouth felt foreign. “Stay...”

And she was out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: All the heavy stuff is over, folks. From here on there are only brief mentions of Tess's alcohol dependency and withdrawal. If you weren't able to read the first three chapters because of the subject matter, you can safely begin reading now. Enjoy <3

It took another two days for Tess’s symptoms to reach a manageable level. At her request—though she had a feeling the request was redundant—Kerry had barely left her company, even as she slept. She couldn’t bear to be alone, in case...in case she started hallucinating again.

“Hey, uh…” she’d said after he’d stood to head off to bed, “don’t, uh, take this the wrong way, but…can you stay? In case…”

He smiled, his eyes full of warmth. “Yeah, V, ‘course I can,” he’d responded, not needing her to finish the sentence. “I’ll drag in one of my 75 mattresses to sleep on.”

“Oh fuck off, there’s plenty of bed,” she said, patting the bed next to her, “or are you afraid I’ll grope you in your sleep?”

Kerry raised his eyebrows. “Okay, but I won’t fuck you. Don’t care how nicely you ask.”

So for two nights, he’d slept in her bed, far on the other side but always with a hand outstretched to take hers if she needed comfort. One night probably would have been enough, that first hallucination had been the only one and Vik said the potential for more would pass after 24 hours or so, but…

She’d told him the second night was just to be safe, but really...it was just nice to have someone around. Especially now that she didn’t have a constant haze of alcohol to distract her from how  _ so fucking lonely _ she was without someone else living in her head.

She was actually able to leave her bed and walk around that day. She was wobbly as hell, but dammit, she wanted to see the sun.

“I can walk on my own, Kerry,” Tess grumbled, trying to pull her arm out of his steadying grip.

“V, you almost fell getting out of bed.”

“My leg got caught in the blanket. Do you see any blankets around?”

“Uh huh.”

“No, really. Cause I see one over there.” She nodded her head towards a spot she chose at random, and then looked to Kerry for the expected look of concern. Naturally, he delivered, and she cackled. “I’m kidding.”

“ _ V,  _ goddammit,” he groaned, but it was accompanied by a chuckle.

Eventually, after a surprisingly tiring walk, they reached the patio overlooking the city.

“Huh...ya know what?” Tess said, as she took in the spectacular view. All of Night City, stretched before her. “Been staying here for weeks now, yeah? And I’ve never been out here.”

Kerry sat with a sigh and leaned forward, forearms resting on thighs. “Preem view, right? It’s what sold me on this place.”

“Johnny would have loved it,” Tess breathed, her hand wandering to the dog tags that still hung around her neck. “He loved being up high.”

“Always did.”

“Was he ever...not a complete fucking asshole?”

“Oh yeah, he had his moments, especially the older he got. He was always... _ abrasive _ but he never failed, the whole time I knew him, to watch out for the people he cared about. Saved my ass a good few times.” Kerry looked at her with eyebrows raised in amusement. “Most of those times were his fault, but that’s beside the point.” 

He leaned back in his chair, a wistful look in his eye, and he took a moment to silently reminisce before speaking again. “When he was just the right level of drunk he got surprisingly touchy. Lotsa hugs, lotsa hanging off whoever was closest. Get a couple more drinks in him and he’d make out with everyone, just literally  _ everyone.”  _

Tess chuckled. “Shit, he and I really  _ did _ have a lot in common. I’m honestly shocked that I never drunkenly hit on  _ you, _ whole time I’ve been living here.”

“Wh—V, you did. Multiple times. Do you not remember?”

Tess froze, just a little bit mortified. “Right. I do not, no. Can understand why you wanted me to stop, now,” she said, an awkward attempt at a joke.

Kerry opened his mouth, as if he had a response to that, but soon closed it again with a breathy chuckle.

They sat for a few minutes in silence, watching the holograms towering over Night City as they scrolled through their endless ads. Tess wasn’t quite sure if the silence was awkward or not, but she was certainly grateful when Kerry broke it.

“You know it was all an act, right? Johnny bein’ a dick.”

“Oh, I know. He lived in my head, trust me, I figured it out pretty quick.”

“Yeah see, I didn’t have that privilege. Took me a good couple years, but he was a loooot easier to deal with after that.”

“It was a coping mechanism. I never quite figured out for what, but I know he got more aggro when he was anxious.” V smiled a small, sad smile. “Complete opposite when  _ I _ was anxious. Almost from the beginning.” Her smile slowly faded as tears began streaming down her cheeks. At the first shuddering breath, Kerry took her hand and gave it a squeeze.

“I miss him so much…” she whispered. “I’d even take back the pain if I could just…” She gave Kerry’s hand a squeeze in return, so tremendously grateful for his presence.

“You hungry?” he asked, after her tears had started to subside.

Tess sniffled. “A little bit. Doubt I can keep anything down, though.”

“It’s worth a shot! I’ll get you some synthchicken noodle soup.” Kerry stood and offered a hand to Tess.

_ Sleep well, my princess. See you on the other side. _

Tears flowed anew at the words that drifted through her mind, the memory that accompanied them. The next time she’d seen him was...

“Not a fan of synthchicken, then?” Kerry said, risking a joke. “I could probably make some calls and get you the real thing…”

The risk paid off, cause Tess felt the corners of her mouth twitch.

“You wanna walk?” Kerry asked, with a smile of his own.

Tess’s smile grew into a mischievous grin, and she peered up at him.

“Piggyback?”


	5. Chapter 5

“Vitals are looking good, for the most part,” Vik muttered as he looked over Tess’s biomon readings. “Blood pressure is a titch high but I can give you pills for that, easy fix. Any lingering symptoms?”

“Pretty constant headache, but it’s mild. Still having trouble sleeping but I think that’s just how I am.”

“No more hallucinations?”

“Nah,” Tess breathed, looking down at her mindlessly wringing hands, “just the one.”

“Well then V,” Vik grinned, “I’m happy to say the worst of it is over. The rest should be gone within a week or two but I’ll leave you some meds to help.” 

“Thanks, Vik.”

“See you next week,” Vik nodded, and took his leave.

Tess sighed and slid down to lay across the couch she sat on. The cool leather felt great against any exposed skin it touched, as uncomfortably firm the couch itself was.

“I’m sober, yaaaay,” Tess deadpanned, waving her arms half-heartedly above her.

“This is a  _ good thing,” _ Kerry said with a chuckle. Given that she was taking up the entire couch, he sat down on the floor in front of her, his back leaned against the seat.

“Doesn’t feel like it sometimes.” Being sober reminded her that she was alone in her mind. Being sober reminded her that she was dying. Being sober reminded her that her life was nothing but a pile or horseshit.

“It is. Promise.”

“What am I even supposed to do with myself now?”

“What’d you do before all this?”

“Worked.”

“Then work.”

“And after that?”

Kerry shrugged. “Guess I can teach you to play guitar.”

“I already know how. Muscle memory from Johnny that got absorbed into my brain. Who knows what it deleted in the process.”

Kerry tactfully ignored that last part. “Oh really? Then play for me.”

Tess shot upright into a sitting position. “What? No,” she said.

“Why not?”

“Well, I...don’t know if I’m any  _ good _ , I just know I know how.”

“So if you’re not any good, I’ll teach you.” Kerry stood and grabbed a guitar from his display wall. Tess quickly recognized it as a Deluze Orphean—Johnny’s guitar. He sat on the couch next to her and placed the guitar in her hands. “Here, if it’s muscle memory, it’ll work best on this.” 

“You’re really gonna make me do this?”

“Mhm.”

Tess sighed and closed her eyes. She let her fingers glide along the frets until they found their mark and something clicked, and she was playing the opening notes to  _ Black Dog. _ To her surprise, though sadness and pain welled up withing her at the sound of the song, it was...manageable. Memories of Johnny singing to her passed by, but with them came peace. Happiness, even.

But still, after a few bars, she hesitated and opened her eyes, only to see Kerry grinning and nodding for her to continue. So she did, she kept playing.

Kerry turned his focus to the floor in front of him, and then…

“ _ A blind man lost, in the streets,”  _ he began to sing.

Tess almost lost the beat in her surprise—he didn’t say anything about  _ singing— _ but her fingers quickly recovered as if she’d played these notes a thousand times.

Through the whole song, Tess played and Kerry sang, in perfect rhythm with one another. Tess had heard the song countless times, but hearing it in Kerry’s voice brought something...different to it. Tess closed her eyes again and carried on, allowing herself to be immersed. She barely noticed when the lyrics came to an end and, playing alone once again, she plucked out the last few notes and let out a cathartic sigh.

And then she opened her eyes. And she looked to her side and realized—Kerry’s eyes were locked on her. He seemed transfixed. Tess’s own eyes wandered across his face, lingering for...just a moment, the briefest moment, on his lips.

“V…” Kerry breathed, as their eyes met. Slowly, cautiously, he lifted a hand to her cheek. “Can I kiss you?”

Before he even finished the question, Tess was pulling him in and her arms were around him and her fingers clutched at the leather collar of his vest. Her kiss was desperate, wanting, craving,  _ needing _ and for a moment Kerry followed her, before easing back and taking control. His lips moved against hers with the same intensity, the same want, but slower. Gentler. His hand remained on her cheek and his other arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her in closer. 

Tess revelled in the feeling of him; his warmth, his breath, his heartbeat, trying desperately to keep the thought, the acknowledgment of exactly  _ why _ she craved these things, far from her mind. Right now she wanted to stay here, in the present, in this moment.

After what felt like hours, and yet not quite long enough, the two parted—but barely. Their bodies remained pressed close, arms wrapped around the other, foreheads rested against one another.

“So,” Kerry muttered, and Tess could hear the smile in his voice. “Was that a yes, or…?”

“ _ No,  _ in merc language, kissing means ‘fuck off.’”

Kerry raised his eyebrows. “So how does a merc show love?”

“By shooting you in the head, obviously,” Tess responded casually, but even her ocean of sarcasm couldn’t stop her breaking out in a grin.

“Oh, obviously.” Kerry returned her grin, but it softened as he brushed the hair away from her eye with delicate fingers. “V,” he said, suddenly avoiding eye contact, “I want you to know I didn’t have this...planned. I don’t want you to think that I was—”

“Waiting for Johnny to be gone so you could sweep me off my feet?”

“Uh—I was gonna say ‘taking advantage of your vulnerability,’ but I guess that too.”

“I know, Kerry,” Tess said, quietly. She opened her mouth to add words that she hadn’t thought of yet, but as she shifted her legs to turn towards him, her knee bumped the guitar that she’d thoughtlessly leaned against the couch and it fell over with a _twung._ “Ah, shit,” Tess muttered, as she leaned over to pick up the instrument. 

And stopped.

She stared at the Deluze, carelessly knocked on the ground. The stickers plastered on it that told a story of its owner. Slowly, as if approaching a wild animal, Tess reached out and lifted the guitar to her lap. Her fingers brushed over the body, tracing the decals, the worn paint, wondering about the story behind each detail.

Her focus was broken by a nearly inaudible sigh. “You’re not ready for this, are you?” Kerry breathed.

Tess’s eyes flitted to Kerry, to the guitar, back to Kerry. She couldn’t quite meet his eyes. “I...I don’t know,” she answered, honestly.

Somehow...somehow it felt like a betrayal. Like she was being unfaithful. Johnny certainly never claimed to be monogamous, he had no problem with her hooking up with some guy she met at a bar because she needed some real, tangible human contact. They had even brought Kerry’s name up once or twice in their occasional discussions of sexual desires.

_ “You into ‘im? Don’t lie, I know you are.” _

_ “Fuck, have you SEEN him?” _

_ “Oh I’ve seen every inch of him. Wouldn’t mind seein’ it again, through your pretty little eyes.” _

_ “I dunno, he didn’t seem to be very interested in me.” _

As it turns out...he was. Or at least he was  _ now.  _ But this felt like it was bound for more than a simple hookup. 

“I’m not gonna ask you to forget about him. Shit, I can’t even get  _ myself  _ to forget about him.” He didn’t try to meet her eyes, didn’t try to touch her, he only spoke to her in that gentle voice that had guided her through the struggle of these last days. “If you don’t wanna...start anything, that’s fine. If you do, it’s at your pace.”

Tess’s eyes wandered once again to the guitar in her lap, as she took in his words. Was moving on truly a betrayal? Was it forgetting? Or was it healing?

_ Never stop fighting. _

She had no idea. But Johnny wanted her to live. He wanted her to survive so she could experience all that he’d never gotten to.

He wanted her to be happy.

“I don’t know,” Tess whispered. One hand continued to trace along the strings of the guitar, but the other reached out to find Kerry’s. “But it’s worth a shot.”


	6. Chapter 6

The elevator car jolted to a halt and the metal grating clanked open. Tess took a deep breath in and didn’t release it til she’d crossed the threshold of the elevator. It never got easier, every time she had to visit her apartment to pick up something, it _never_ got easier. But, she needed her sniper rifle, and in her apartment is where it happened to be. So she started walking.

“Hey, V!” called a voice.

“Hm? Oh, Barry, hi,” Tess greeted, trying to throw on a friendly smile, “how have you been? And how’s Nibbles?”

“She’s settling in real well! And I’ve been so much better since you gave her to me, thank you.”

“Sure glad it worked out. I wish I could chat, but I’m kind of in a hurry.” She felt terrible blowing him off, but she did not have the energy to interact with another human being right now.

“Sure thing, it was nice seeing you. I’ll tell Nibs you say hi.”

The rest of the walk was free of interruptions. As she entered the hallway and approached her apartment door, the lump in her throat that she’d come to expect did, indeed, manifest itself. But she forged on, keying the door open.

Nothing in the apartment was physically any different than it had been before Mikoshi, but it felt like an entirely different place. She used to feel safe here, she’d look forward to returning home after every job, having a shower, a couple of the godawful burritos that she’d had a million times but somehow still craved. 

She’d look forward to talking with Johnny, out loud, because it was always so frustrating having to  _ think _ to him.

Every time she’d open the door, there he was. His image manifested sitting on the couch. He’d always say “Welcome home.” as if he’d been sitting there all day waiting for her to return. He’d get up and walk over to her, pulling her in for a kiss. It was all so domestic and she loved every second of it.

And now, standing in that same apartment, she felt nothing but crushing sadness.

Eventually she couldn’t stand it anymore and she rushed to her weapons room to grab the rifle and promptly left the apartment. She was so distracted that she almost walked right past Kerry.

“Oh—! Fuck, Ker. I thought you were waiting in the car.”

“Nah, got bored,” he smiled. He was in disguise, of course—maybe not necessary as they were out at night, but the last thing Tess needed on this particular errand was a swarm of paparazzi. Kerry moved to walk alongside Tess and she bumped her shoulder into his.

“Thanks,” she murmured.

“Dinner?”

“I’d rather not leave this”—she lifted the rifle in its case—”in the car, and I doubt any restauranteur would appreciate me bringing a rifle into their fine establishment.”

“So we find a noodle stand! They can’t dictate what we bring  _ in front _ of their fine establishment.” Kerry took V’s hand into his. “C’mon, we’re due for a date.”

Tess sighed, but nodded. “Yeah, alright. There’s a place at ground level.”

But when they reached the ground floor, no sooner had they exited the elevator than they were met with the exact paparazzi swarm that they had hoped to avoid.

“Jesus,” Kerry said under his breath, leaning in close, “sorry, thought I was stealthy.”

Tess glanced down at her rifle case and raised her eyebrows in question, eliciting a chuckle from Kerry.

“ _ No,  _ Miss Merc, behave.”

“Shoulda’ brought my flashbangs…” Tess murmured, and met his eyes with a smirk. “Well, you wanna give ‘em what they’re looking for?”

Kerry shrugged. “Why the hell not?” he responded with a grin, and pulled her in for a deep kiss as they both thrust their middle fingers towards the cameras.

“Can I pull a  _ pistol _ on them, at least?” Tess asked as they parted.

“Now that, I’ll allow.”

A malicious smile stretched over Tess’s face and, quick as lightning, she had her revolver drawn and pointed at the group of photographers. “Wanna take a guess at which one of your heads I’ll blow off first?” she shouted, and cackled with delight as she watched them scatter like cockroaches. “You know who the fuck I am!” she called after them, “don’t  _ FUCK  _ with  _ V!” _

“That,” Kerry muttered, “was _ incredibly _ hot.”

~~~

_ Got a surprise for you when you get home,  _ the text had read.

Tess wasn’t a big fan of surprises, her life and her career had taught her that it was always best to be prepared, know exactly what was ahead of you.

But that was mainly true for jobs. A surprise from her boyfriend was unlikely to lead to death, so she was intrigued as she pulled into the driveway.

She almost missed it at first, but as she exited her car she spotted what she assumed was the surprise, and she was suddenly breathless: a small table sat on the patio nearby, covered with a white satin tablecloth and two ornate chairs sitting opposite one another. On the table sat gilded dinnerware—that, Tess assumed, cost as much as her bike—surrounded by flickering candles and rose petals that were somehow a beautiful light blue. Off to the side was an ice bucket, holding a bottle of champagne, and two thin glasses. She also noticed that the sentry bots were conspicuously absent.

“Hey,” Kerry said from the carport door, his face alight with a grin. He walked to her—practically  _ skipped, _ really—and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Siddown, siddown,” he urged as he led her to her seat.

_ “Kerry,”  _ Tess gasped, tears in her eyes. She stumbled along where he led, too stunned to properly walk, and plopped down into the waiting chair.

Then immediately she stood again and pulled Kerry’s head to hers and met him with a kiss so fierce, so desperate, his gasping breaths in perfect harmony with hers, his arms snaking around her body and pulling it closer to his own. There they stood, utterly consumed in one another, until he gently pulled away. 

“Time for that later,” Kerry breathed, “food’ll get cold.” He stole one last kiss, and pushed her down into her chair once again—pushing it in this time to pin her to the table. “Stay,” he ordered, pointing at her as he half-jogged back into the house.

Tess was looking around the table in front of her in disbelief, examining the rose petals— _ must be genetically engineered,  _ she thought—and caught a glimpse of the label on the champagne bottle. 

It read ‘sparkling white grape juice’.

“Of course,” Tess chuckled to herself.

It wasn’t until she glanced at the sky that she realized, all the lights in and around the house were turned off, except for a dim light peeking out from the enclosed kitchen upstairs. The light of the Milky Way was only barely visible banding across the sky, but it was more clear than she’d ever seen it this close to the city.

“This is nothing compared to how it looks in the absolute middle of nowhere,” Kerry said as he returned, three serving platters balanced on his arms. “But I did the best I could, even got them to shut down a couple street lamps.” Kerry winked and Tess  _ melted. _

_ Goddamn Tess, _ she thought,  _ nothing fazes you during the stress of a job but one look from a pretty rockerboy and you’re a mess. _

“Wh—uh, what’s for dinner?” she asked, trying to seem not at all flustered.

Judging by the smirk she got from Kerry, she failed miserably.

“Good ol’ Filipino cuisine,” he said, naming the dishes as he set them on the table. “Kinunot na Isda,” a bowl of something white, soup-looking, with fish and some kind of leafy green. “Adobo,” cuts of pork in a sour-smelling marinade. “And this one,” he said as he held a small bowl up to her, full of some shaved white vegetable, “ubi gadong. Incredibly toxic, if you don’t know how to prepare it right.”

Tess raised her eyebrows at him.

Kerry nodded, chuckling. “I know how to prepare it right. And finally, wouldn’t be a celebration without”—he grabbed the glass bottle and began to pour—” _ unfermented _ champagne.”

Tess broke out in a grin and rubbed at her eyes with a thumb and forefinger. “Grape juice,” she giggled.

_ “Unfermented _ champagne,” he insisted.

“ _ Alright,” _ Tess conceded, taking the glass, “but what are we celebrating?”

Tess was surprised to see Kerry’s features soften, his teasing smile turning to one of warmth as he raised his glass. 

“To one month sober.”

Tess’s breath left her and she sat frozen, staring, her lips parted in surprise. The warmth that filled his eyes now filled her and she whispered, with what breath she had left, “You’ve...been keeping track…”

“Of course I have,” Kerry said softly, “it’s a big deal, V. I’m proud of you.”

Tears welled in Tess’s eyes as she gazed at Kerry and in a second, her head was in her hands and she was fully sobbing as she was overwhelmed with gratitude. Where would she be now if it weren’t for him? How long ago would she have found her death in the bottom of a bottle?

“Oh,  _ shit,  _ did I—” Kerry’s voice was all concern as he crossed the short distance between them and crouched by her side, a hand on her back. “V, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“ _ Kerry,  _ I’m  _ happy, _ ya gonk,” she half sobbed, half laughed. 

_ “Right,  _ right, I knew that,” he chuckled, awkwardly.

Tess placed a hand on each side of Kerry’s head and looked him in the eye. “You are a good man, Kerry Eurodyne,” she whispered, and kissed him. “I don’t know  _ how  _ someone like you ever willingly spent time with Johnny.”

“He’d be proud of you too, V. Probably even more so.”

“Fuck,” Tess said as her tears flowed anew, “ _ now  _ I’m sad.”

“Nothing better to fix that than food lovingly cooked by a handsome Filipino rockstar!” Kerry grinned.

The mention of Johnny hurt, sure. But day by day, the crushing grief Tess felt at the mention of his name got less and less. The  _ guilt _ of being with someone else got less and less. Life...got easier and easier to live.

Maybe he would be proud. 


	7. Chapter 7

Tess was woken up by her holo ringing and in her half-asleep state, she reflexively answered it without checking who it was.

“H’llo?” she said groggily.

“I—wh— _ que carajo, V??  _ I haven’t heard from you in four months, I’d finally come to terms with the fact that you were probably  _ dead, _ and then I spot you on the cover of a screamsheet makin’ out with  _ Kerry fuckin’ Eurodyne??” _

Shit. “Hey...Judy.” Tess rubbed her eyes, trying to break through her groggy haze and think of a way out of this. “I...yeah, I don’t have an explanation for myself, other than it’s been a...a rough couple months.”

From the other side of the bed, Kerry flopped a lazy arm in her direction and mumbled, “V, try’na’ sleep.”

Tess gave his arm a squeeze with a whispered, “Sorry,” and left the room—the former guest room turned Tess’s room that she made Kerry sleep in, seeing as she didn’t love the idea of sleeping in an open room surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows.

Judy sighed. “I get it,” she said, exasperated, “but you could have at least left a voicemail or  _ something. _ I was worried as hell, V.”

“You’re right,” Tess admitted. She leaned on the nearest wall and scrubbed a hand over her face. “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever, doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you’re  _ alive.  _ And apparently banging Kerry Eurodyne??”

“We’re not...uh, yeah. Long story.”

“Come to Lizzie’s later, tell me about it over drinks?”

“That’s parta’ the story. Developed a bit of an alcohol problem so I quit drinkin’.”

“Ah. Coffee, then?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know a place. Pick you up in an hour?”

“Sure thing. See ya, V.”

After Tess had quietly gotten dressed, she tiptoed to his side of the bed and pressed a gentle kiss to his temple.

“I’m goin’ out, Ker,” she whispered. “Coffee with a friend.”

“Mm,” Kerry mumbled, “be safe.”

Later on, as she and Judy sat at a booth at Chombatta, Tess recounted her somber tale.

“So Kerry helped me through that particular hell, and we  _ bonded, _ I guess.”

Judy frowned and she took a few moments to process everything she’d just heard. “Shit, V…yeah, I can see why you might’ve wanted to avoid people,” she laughed awkwardly. “And I’m uh...sorry for your loss.”

“Not really a fan of platitudes, but…” Tess smiled. “I appreciate the gesture, Judy, thanks.”

“So…” Judy stared at her hands a moment, hesitant to say what she had on her mind. “I mean, V, you’re the best netrunner I know. You can get Johnny back, right?”

“I...I don’t know. I didn’t even have the  _ thought _ until a couple weeks back and at this point it might be too late, he might be…” Absorbed. Assimilated.  _ Gone. _

“Well if you decide to try”—Judy placed both hands over one of Tess’s—”I’ll help. Whatever you need, whatever I can do. I’m yours.”

Tess smiled, a genuinely grateful smile, and felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. Her free hand wandered to the spot where Johnny’s dog tags lay against her chest. Maybe...maybe she really could do it.

“Thanks, Judy,” she breathed, _ “thank you.” _

~~~

Kerry’s touch was mesmerizing. His touch, his smell, his breath on her lips, it was all so intoxicating.

“Kerry…” Tess moaned, as his hands ran down and up her back, fingers threading through her hair and lips tracking along her jawline, down her neck, across her collarbone—

“Wait. Kerry...wait. Sorry, I—”

Kerry stopped as soon as she said the word, and met her with gentle eyes. “Don’t be sorry,” he breathed. He pressed his forehead to hers and brushed a thumb over her cheek. “Like I said, your pace.”

“God, you’re too fuckin’ good for me,” V chuckled softly. It was only  _ mostly _ a joke. 

“Bullshit,” Kerry said softly.

Tess took in a deep breath and let it out as a loud, frustrated sigh as she sunk down against him. Kerry wrapped his arms, always so comfortingly strong, around her and pulled her in close, resting his cheek on top of her head. 

She  _ wanted _ to keep going. Oh, there was little more she wanted in that moment than to fuck Kerry Eurodyne. But Johnny, that fucking asshole, couldn’t even leave her mind after he’d  _ left her mind. _

“He’d get a kick out of cockblocking me one last time,” Kerry said, the rumble of his voice travelling from his body through hers.

Tess was about to protest, reassure him that it wasn’t about Johnny—a blatant lie and he’d know it—when she realized that there wasn’t a hint of bitterness in his voice. Only amusement.

“One time when we’d just barely started, still playing the shittiest of shitholes, I was minutes away from scoring a threesome with some groupie and her input, when Johnny came swoopin’ in and stole the show.”

“And you joined them anyway, didn’t you?”

“Oh, you bet I did. But now  _ Johnny _ was the guest of honor. Still a slight loss for me.”

Tess’s mind drifted to her conversation with Judy, to Vik’s words that put the spark of the idea in her head that maybe,  _ maybe _ he wasn’t gone forever. Maybe...

“I wanna bring him back,” she blurted.

Kerry lifted his head to look at her, his expression a mix of emotions that Tess couldn’t even begin to decipher. “You— _ oh.” _

“Fuck, that’s not how I meant to broach the subject,” Tess cursed under her breath. She pulled herself from his arms and leaned forward on the sofa, her forearms resting on her thighs. “I just don’t think he deserved to die, not for  _ me _ , and I-I need to fix that.”

“Gotta say, V,” Kerry said, his eyebrows pitched downward, his tone level and controlled, like he was trying to hide exactly what he thought of her plan, “not a  _ great _ time to mention something like that. I know, I know, I brought him up, but…”

“I didn’t mean to,” she muttered. “Kinda got used to having someone that could hear my every thought, made a mess of my verbal filter.”

“Doesn’t make it feel any better,” he bit, his voice all bitterness now.

“Yeah...I know.”

After a handful of tense moments, Kerry stood up with a violent huff and began pacing.

“I mean—is that something you can  _ do?” _

“I have no idea,” Tess admitted.

“I won’t say I don’t want him back too, but what—” The sentence was cut short when his eyes landed on hers, but he didn’t hold her gaze long. 

Tess didn’t need the rest of the sentence to know what he was thinking.

“What happens to us?” she finished.

“No, what happens to  _ you?” _

The words, the tone of his voice, what she could see of his expression as he turned away from her, all pierced through her heart like so many shotgun pellets. 

“What do you…”

“Nothing, forget it.”

“Kerry, I—”

“I’m gonna go for a drive, V. I’ll be back”—he paused to shake his head—”I dunno, when I’m back."


End file.
